Thursday, January 26, 2012

Learning what I already know

This past month has been an adventure of sorts for the two of us.
Andrew has not been able to eat solid food since before Christmas. We're still not completely sure what the issue is. The muscles seem to be getting better so hopefully soon we can see what kind of work the teeth need to solve the real problem. It's not a bone issue though, so that's good.
His intense daily pain. Finding food I can puree for him to eat. Trying to make sure he's getting enough of what he needs each day. Feeling completely helpless.
Currently he is in withdrawal from the pain meds. So he is both in pain as well as dealing with feeling horrible.
And day after day he reminds me "This is the best thing for us. If it were not we would not be going through it."
Finding joy in God period has finally found it's way into my heart through this.
Again dealing with something that is out of my control. Having to completely trust God. All of a sudden something clicked.
Last fall the youth went through the study "the blazing center" which was basically a study through John Pipers Desiring God. I was introduced to the fact that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." hmmm. Sounds good. I tried to wrap my brain around it. I did a bit.
Our pastor continually talks about this. I hear it all the time. Nothing else can take His place. My joy cannot come from circumstances. I've heard parts of it my whole life. Other parts were new.
For many years this has been one of my favorite verses:
" Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139: 16
I thought I knew what it meant, but did not fully grasp it.
But this time, something came together for me.
I could choose to be miserable because our attempts to start a family were on hold.
I could go around complaining that our life is just horrible because once again we are dealing with a very out of the ordinary illness that may never be explained.
Or I could realize that God is wiser than I.
That my life is never in my control, and this was just a magnified picture of this.
I could choose joy. His joy. I could truly, really realize that God is who He is by His very nature and have that bring me His joy, His peace, confidence.
And I did.
It's a constant battle, but it's also an amazing feeling. From Him.
And in the car a couple of weeks ago I told Andrew that God was teaching me things I already knew. My head knew them. My heart didn't quite grasp them. It wasn't my reality.
I've now thanked Him for this season. For things that seem to my humanness painful, horrible even. And He has turned pain to joy. He can do that!
His grace is Huge.
Choose joy in Him!


borchtbaby said...

May your joy be FULL. Thanks for sharing this.

violet said...

Kim - so wise! We all need to learn these lessons. If only they weren't so unexpected, hard, and tailored to perfectly show us our own weaknesses. Bless you guys!