Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Desires of your heart

(yes, I know, I've been pitiful in the upkeep or even true starting of this blog. I need to keep better priorities. I USED to blog all the time (*rip xanga*).)

Andrew and I had an amazing conversation the other night that has caused me to further think on a certain subject: God giving us the desires of our heart.
We all know the verse: Psalm 37:4
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
And likewise we've all been told, and maybe even half believed that when we truly delight in the Lord He will replace our desires with His and we will be truly content with that.
But, do we truly, deep down believe that loosing our desires will be a joyful thing or that He really will replace them? In a tiny corner I think that all of us REALLY just want Him to give us what we ask for , how we ask for it, and right away. We really are hoping, at least in a secret place that this verse really doesn't mean that we will have to change at all and that God really wants for us what we already want.

What triggered our conversation was the ending of our church's summer conference. It was just a time of refreshment and deep fellowship.
We (my husband and I) went out for something to eat and were talking about how completely we felt accepted, how overwhelming blessed we felt to be a part of that fellowship and how amazing it was that God had placed us there.

We talked of a plan that we had a couple of years ago. A plan that we, at the time, were so sure of. A plan that fell to pieces in our feeble hands and was a bit devastating.

But God is so much bigger than our tiny little plans.

Andrew repeated something he's said to me many times: how every time God has told him no, He has in His time given him (and now us) something so much better.

THAT is what this verse is about! It is one thing to "know" that and quite another to have God tangibly hand us this lesson.

There is absolutely no doubt in our minds that we are in the centre of His will and that He has given us something better. We belong here because He has placed us here.
Has it been easy to come here instead of Him handing us what we asked for then? Not in the least.
Has it been worth all the pain and heartache?
Ephesians 1:11,12
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,
in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory."

Monday, February 23, 2009

One Year

A year ago...
I was lying in a hospital bed, not allowed to leave it unless it was to use the washroom.
My health coverage was not in effect yet, and I needed to be flown to Toronto for surgery.

I was always the healthy one, so, when my leg started to hurt, we didn't think much of it.
I thought I was getting my mom's bad legs, that I had cramps. So I started to do things with that in mind...but it got worse.
Then, I thought maybe it was a muscle thing and started to treat it that way.
It was getting to the point where I couldn't stand in one place, had to put it up all the time.
The only thing that seemed to relieve it was hot water. It felt more and more like someone had taken my leg and twisted and twisted it.

Then I had a morning when I ran up and down two sets of stairs and promptly passed out.
After that happened my breathing was not the same. I'd loose my breath very easily. If I went up a flight of stairs it sounded like I had just run a marathon...

My mother in law finally made me go to the Doctor, and withing about five minutes, he knew exactly what was wrong-I had a DVT and a Pulmonary embolism.
In other words, I had a blood clot in the centre of my leg and some of it had taken a little trip to my lungs.
I was rushed to the Emergency Room, where I was sent right in due to the nature of what was wrong to me.
I had never had to be in the hospital for anything, so it was all a bit overwhelming, as I was instantly surrounded by numerous people who were putting IVs in me, checking my heart and everything else that could be checked.
It seemed to take forever for my husband to get there, who had gone to pick up some necessary items for my comfort.
To top things off nicely, they discovered at the same time that I had severe anemia. Which also means that they had an awful time getting IVs in my already wimpy veins.

That first night in the ER I did not sleep at all. They had to keep the curtain open and watch me all night, and the ER is not exactly a quiet place regardless of the time.

Right from the start I had a myriad of people praying for me, across Canada and the United States, and I felt it.

Like I said, at this point in time, I did not have medical coverage. Which means we were acuring quite a nice little bill. Not as big as if I lived in the US, but not free either.

Well, it turned out the blood clot in my leg was about twelve inches long. I also had clots in all the parts of my lungs, as well as one which had enlarged a part of my heart. They were worried that more of the clot would travel up to my lungs or heart and because of this I needed a surgery in which they would place a tiny filter under my lungs and heart. The problem was they could not perform this surgery here, and I needed to be flown by air ambulance to Toronto.
Well, the problem was that they would not do this unless I had coverage.
Technically I was not supposed to receive coverage until mid march.

So, my husband was doing whatever he could to get me my coverage. He went back and forth between the offices of those who could help...and he was about to be thrown out of the OHIP office (health care)...when he broke down, knowing how badly I needed this. All of a sudden he was in a back office, being asked how bad I was and how badly I needed this surgery. A call was made to the office of the Minister of heath and I was then covered, backdated to the begining of February!
This type of thing NEVER happens and is always accompanied by months of appeals!
SO many people were praying, and I know that that is what did it.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I was then flown for the surgery-which was no fun, as it was done through my neck, yuck, but may have saved my life.

It was a scary time, but I knew that God was Soverign and in control.
Psalm 139 was of great comfort to me:
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

In the midst of my fears of going asleep one night for fear that I would never wake up again, God gently reminded me that He would not allow that to happen if He had more for me to do.
He reminded me of something Andrew Jackson said one time when questioned about how calm he was on the battlefield. He told them that God had already decided when he would die, so he was just as safe on the battlefield as at home in bed.
I knew that this was true!

Now here I am, clot free, off my blood thinner, working...and praising Him!
I was thinking last night, as I ate some pizza that it was much better than what I was eating a year ago-hospital food.